Unthinkable
by spn22
Summary: How can Starsky face the unthinkable?
1. Nothing and sorry

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch. Warning: some people may find this story upsetting, sorry!_

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><p>"So...you're telling me... "<p>

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry"

"Okay."

"You're telling me...there is nothing you can do?"

"Nothing."

"You're a doctor..."

"Which is why it's so much harder to say that I can do nothing."

"You have to keep trying."

"Mr. Starsky. We've tried. It would be cruel to keep trying..."

"Then be cruel!"

"I don't think you mean that."

"I do! Don't you dare tell me I don't asshole! You can't just end with 'nothing' and 'sorry'"

"It's not in my job description to do so...and it's the hardest thing I have to say to people."

"My heart bleeds for you"

"It's as though I've failed."

"You have."

"I'm sorry."

"What did I say about saying you're _goddamm_ sorry..."

"I understand you're upset..."

"I'm not upset. I'm _angry."_

"That's normal."

"Shut up."

...


	2. I'll tell him

Starsky sat in the waiting room.

He knew that he should be doing something. He should be making practical lists. He should be calling Hutch's parents. He should be with Hutch.

He should, he should, he should...

He should have given more to Cancer Research.

He should have spent more time with the doctors.

He should have learnt more.

Fucking cancer.

He wished that there was some kind of physical representation for cancer...so he could shoot it. Slowly and painfully.

He wished it was him in that hospital bed.

At that moment in time, he swore it would have hurt less.

Now that bastard doctor was back. That friggin, smug, useless joke of a doctor.

"Mr Starsky?"

Starsky glanced up.

"Mr Starsky...I know you don't want me to be sorry...but I am."

Starsky didn't answer.

"I want to give you a magic solution to all of this...I wouldn't be a doctor if I didn't...but if I may, could I give you some advice?"

The doctor took Starsky's nonchalant shrug as an okay to carry on.

"Make the calls you need to make...and then go back to your partner. He's asking for you."

Starsky looked up, "He's awake?"

"He's fading in and out...when he's awake, he asks for you"

Starsky put his head further down.

"Does he know?" Starsky's voice was small.

The doctor shook his head softly.

"We can tell him...if you want. We have trained staff to deal with such sensitive issues."

Starsky considered this. It was tempting. He didn't know how he would even begin trying to tell Hutch... how could you even start to try and put something so unthinkable into some kind of words. There was no training manuel for this. Nobody to turn to. Yet, he somehow found a voice inside him that said...

"I'll tell him."

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><p><em>Please review...thank you! :)<em>


	3. Save me

_Apologies, I have not forgotten this story- but I have started uni and I am super busy! I will try and update as much as I can :)_

_Once again, warnings, this is not a happy story [it's hard to write such a sad thing but it was in my head and needed to come out!] but I hope you still enjoy reading it and PLEASE review if you have time. Thank you!_

_This is not a slash piece, unless you want to read it as such. _

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><p>Starsky walked, with an odd mixture of haste and reluctance to the all too familiar hospital room.<p>

He didn't want to do this.

My God, how could he even begin to do this?

He stood outside the door. The doctor had told him that Hutch, at the moment, was very much awake, alert and as prepared as he was ever going to be for such news.

Yet Starsky would never be ready.

He wanted to go in with _good _news. Or at least ignorance. Denial.

Anything but the truth. The truth was too much. The truth was... unimaginable.

Yet he couldn't... he couldn't let that nameless white coat tell Hutch...he would never be able to live with himself.

Starsky had had so much training. Delivering bad news to victims of an attack. Family members, friends. Nothing could have prepared him for this. This was hell. Hell on earth.

He bowed his head and opened the door.

Hutch was lying, eyes closed, facing the wall. It became apparent that he wasn't asleep, as the small sound of the door handle caused his head to look up. Seeing it was Starsky, his face broke into a small, tired but genuine smile.

"Starsk."

Starsky managed a tiny smile back. "Hey, partner."

"Good God, am I happy to see someone not wearing a lab coat. Even your ugly mug."

Starsky made towards the plastic chair. "Folks still not here, huh?"

Hutch gave a small shake of the head. "Nope...and I'm tired of that doctor. The most miserable SOB I ever met. Not the greatest of company either, you know?"

Starsky nodded. "Don't I know it. I keep leaving messages. For your parents, I mean. Dobey has even got cops in Duluth on standby in case they need to go and knock on the door themselves."

Hutch smiled. "That's good of him."

"Well, y'know. He probably just heard of that stew your Mom cooks up. The man thinks from his stomach, Hutch. Not his heart."

Hutch allowed himself a small laugh and then grimaced. Starsky made to stand up but Hutch shook his head, indicating that he shouldn't overreact.

"Don't make me laugh, Starsk."

"I'll try. I was always the funny one of the partnership" Starsky trailed off and looked down at his hands.

Hutch looked at Starsky searchingly. "What?"

Starsky still didn't look up. "What do you mean, what?"

"What's up? You're usually in here cracking every joke under the sun, practically dancing around the room like it's the fourth of July and driving me mad. So. What's up?"

"I thought you asked me not to make you laugh."

"I didn't say your jokes were funny."

An uneasy silence lay between the two.

"Starsky... I know you were with the doctor..." Hutch's voice broke slightly. "Do you need to tell me something?"

Starsky felt his head couldn't get any lower if he tried. He could feel tears burning his eyes, his throat contracting. He stood up and faced the wall, not wanting Hutch to see his tears. How could he possibly tell Hutch he was dying? That there was no hope? That he had weeks, not years, to do everything he wanted to do?

He had promised himself that he would be strong. This wasn't strength. This was full-out weakness. He felt bile rise in his throat and quickly sat back down, not trusting that his legs would support him. Worst still, he felt that he could never possibly get the words out that he needed to say.

Two tears fell onto his leg and he cursed angrily under his breath.

"Starsk?" Hutch let out a hand. Starsky let out a choak but accepted it, welcoming the support that he needed. How ironic.

"Starsky... I'm... I'm dying aren't I?"

With that line, Starsky let out a sob. Once again, Hutch had saved him from the 'nasty bits', the 'impossible reality'. Hutch had spoken the words that he couldn't bring himself to say. Hutch had saved him...again.

"Starsky... am...am I right?"

Starsky's voice had gone. Gripping his partner's hand even tighter, full eyes finally on his face, he gave a small, heavy nod.


	4. Thank you

_Just a short update. Hope you enjoy. _

_Reviews make me :)_

_I do not own Starsky and Hutch_

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><p>Starsky's head lay on the edge of Hutch's bed. He still grasped his partner's hand as they stayed in silent hell. Starsky felt a hand on his hair.<p>

"Starsk?"

Starsky looked up, his eyes full of tears. Even looking at Hutch ached...

"Will you take me home?"

All the other words were unsaid. With a small nod Starsky stood up.

"I'll talk to the doctor."

"Now?"

"Now.

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><p>Starsky sat in the Torino, his fingers tapping softly on the wheel. He had promised to meet Hutch outside the hospital, despite Hutch trying to protest otherwise. "Starsk" Hutch had said firmly, "I can still walk."<p>

Yet, when Hutch appeared at the hospital door, Starsky thought his heart was going to break. Hutch looked so incredibly frail. Somehow seeing Hutch standing in his normal clothes, up and about, was a far bigger shock than seeing him in a hospital bed. Hutch staggered, looking like he did after a few too many at Huggy's. Starsky went to open the car door, his first impulse was to go and help Hutch to the car. Yet he stopped himself. He knew Hutch's pride and knew it was important he make this small journey alone.

He'd be there for every other step though.

He saw Hutch spot the car, a smile spreading over his face. Starsky let out a wave and opened the passenger door. Hutch was making an obvious effort to do a small jog. _For God's sake, buddy. Save your energy._

"Hey, Starsk."

Hutch flung himself into the passenger seat.

"Hey, bud. How you doing?"

"Fantastic. Well I will be once we get away from this stinking building."

Starsky nodded once, forced a smile and put the car into gear.

"Starsk...wait." Hutch put a hand out. "If you...if you don't want to do this. I mean...I'm going to get pretty sick...just say. Okay? It's...a hell of a lot to ask. It's too much."

Starsky looked at his partner and softly shook his head.

"Whatever you need, Hutch."

Hutch gave a watery smile.

"Thank you, buddy. Thank you."


End file.
